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Rude comments, sabotaging behavior, eating-disorder accusations. You love your friends and family, but the madness has to end. Use our experts' talking points to get the support you deserve
July 1, 2008
Rude comments, sabotaging behavior, eating-disorder accusations. You love your friends and family, but the madness has to end. Use our experts' talking points to get the support you deserve
Fitness isn't just a way to shed a few pounds — it's a lifestyle. But working on your kick-ass body may garner you not just accolades but also jealous friends, "concerned" boyfriends and food-prodding family members. It's nearly enough to end your commitment to diet and exercise, especially when their actions feel like personal attacks.
Before you toss in the workout towel, try talking. Thwarting unwanted comments can be as easy as a chat. M&F Hers gathered three relationship experts to be your conversation coaches, whether you desire support from your mother, best friend or lover.
THE JOKER
She complains about how fat she is yet never makes an effort to do anything about it. You invite her to work out, but she makes fun of others. She tells you that she thinks watching what you eat is very limiting. When she makes rude remarks about your body, you just don't know what to do.
Why they do it: "This isn't about you," says Cissy Brady-Rogers, LMFT, a marriage and family counselor in private practice in Arcadia, California. "It sounds like your friend is struggling with myriad feelings about herself. In response, she makes comments about the choices she sees others making and that she wishes she could do."
What to say: "By talking to your friend directly, you can understand where her comments are coming from," says Holly Pedersen, MFT, PhD, president of Talk Works in Beverly Hills, California. "Tell your friend very directly: 'You're making comments that are critical about my body and I'm wondering if you have some feelings about this.'"
If you're someone who hates confrontation, start the conversation when your friend makes one of her comments. Maybe at that moment you could ask, "What do you mean by that?" "People have different comfort levels of how proactive they want to be," Pedersen says. "If an indirect approach feels more comfortable, then come at it from your own position with statements such as, 'I really feel confused,' or 'I really want you to be supportive,' rather than calling the friend on her behavior."
THE SABOTEUR
When you met your boyfriend five years ago you were 30 pounds heavier. He tells you that if you lose any more weight he'll start putting weight-gainer in your food. You used to think he was joking, but now his comments on your weight loss are negative and sometimes mean. He says he's only looking out for you, so you won't get "too thin." But you feel like you're in the best shape of your life. Why isn't he happy for you?
Why they do it: "I could be fairly certain that it has something to do with his own experiences. Maybe he saw someone close to him get very thin before she died, or he thinks he'll lose you if you get too healthy and fit," says Jonathan Sandberg, PhD, associate professor and chair of the department of marriage and family therapy at Syracuse University in Syracuse, New York.
"Most men, when they have fears and concerns, don't express it in the most helpful way," he adds. "The helpful way is for him to be vulnerable. But [men aren't taught] to get in touch with their feelings and express them, so he gets sarcastic or nasty or rude."
What to say: To approach this subject with your boyfriend, Sandberg suggests saying to him: "It seems that something about me being slim is concerning you [or frightening to you or upsetting to you]. I'd just like to know why. Because for me, [my weight loss] is a good and healthy thing, but for you it doesn't seem to be."
THE IGNORED
"My husband of 13 years complains that my training takes away from his time with me. I've tried waking up early so I can train while he sleeps, but then he complains about my nightly preparations. I want to start competing, but that means more time training. How can I strike a balance between what I want and his needs?"
Why they do it: He may think that you're training so you can get away from him. "If your training is something new you've added to your life since the marriage, then it makes sense that you are having this issue," Brady-Rogers says.
What to say: "I think this is a matter of the wife explaining to the husband what she is gaining from this," says Pedersen. "Then, by her saying: 'I want to carve out time with you,' he feels reassured that it isn't about getting away from him. It's really about her wanting to do something that makes her feel good so she can be happy in general and also in this relationship."
Sandberg advises picking something from his life that he does for himself; maybe he's a woodworker. You can liken your love of exercise to his hobby by saying something like: "Woodworking is important to you. It makes you feel good about yourself, and I support you in that. So when I do healthy things for myself that make me a better person, I'd like you to be excited for me. I need you to support me in something that's important to me."
THE NAGGER
In the past year you've started working out and eating more healthfully. After being overweight for most of your adult life, you've lost almost 20 pounds and are at a healthy weight. But your mom keeps telling you that you're too thin and accuses you of having an eating disorder. How can you win?
Why they do it: "Change is usually the most difficult on friends and family," says Cheryl Anderson, PhD, assistant professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. And since she's your mother, she's used to seeing you plumper and to her, that possibly means healthier.
What to say: "Respond to your mother from an adult position," Pedersen says. She suggests reassuring your mother by saying something along the lines of: "You know that I've been to my doctor," or "I've spoken to my nutritionist [or my trainer], and my weight and eating habits are healthy." After that, state what you need from her. "I really am working hard. I'm feeling great, and it would be nice to have your support. Is there anything I can do to help you give me that?"
If that still doesn't work, set certain boundaries. Tell your mother that when you see her, certain topics are off-limits, such as food, eating habits, weight and your body. Be clear when you tell her, "Until we can communicate about this so it feels good to me, I don't want to discuss those topics."
Ultimately, those who are unsupportive of your fitness efforts may not be attacking you but trying to deal with their own issues. You can lessen their impact on your life by taking the time to understand them better.Hers
Continue reading more feature articles!
Fitness isn't just a way to shed a few pounds — it's a lifestyle. But working on your kick-ass body may garner you not just accolades but also jealous friends, "concerned" boyfriends and food-prodding family members. It's nearly enough to end your commitment to diet and exercise, especially when their actions feel like personal attacks.
Before you toss in the workout towel, try talking. Thwarting unwanted comments can be as easy as a chat. M&F Hers gathered three relationship experts to be your conversation coaches, whether you desire support from your mother, best friend or lover.
THE JOKER
She complains about how fat she is yet never makes an effort to do anything about it. You invite her to work out, but she makes fun of others. She tells you that she thinks watching what you eat is very limiting. When she makes rude remarks about your body, you just don't know what to do.
Why they do it: "This isn't about you," says Cissy Brady-Rogers, LMFT, a marriage and family counselor in private practice in Arcadia, California. "It sounds like your friend is struggling with myriad feelings about herself. In response, she makes comments about the choices she sees others making and that she wishes she could do."
What to say: "By talking to your friend directly, you can understand where her comments are coming from," says Holly Pedersen, MFT, PhD, president of Talk Works in Beverly Hills, California. "Tell your friend very directly: 'You're making comments that are critical about my body and I'm wondering if you have some feelings about this.'"
If you're someone who hates confrontation, start the conversation when your friend makes one of her comments. Maybe at that moment you could ask, "What do you mean by that?" "People have different comfort levels of how proactive they want to be," Pedersen says. "If an indirect approach feels more comfortable, then come at it from your own position with statements such as, 'I really feel confused,' or 'I really want you to be supportive,' rather than calling the friend on her behavior."
THE SABOTEUR
When you met your boyfriend five years ago you were 30 pounds heavier. He tells you that if you lose any more weight he'll start putting weight-gainer in your food. You used to think he was joking, but now his comments on your weight loss are negative and sometimes mean. He says he's only looking out for you, so you won't get "too thin." But you feel like you're in the best shape of your life. Why isn't he happy for you?
Why they do it: "I could be fairly certain that it has something to do with his own experiences. Maybe he saw someone close to him get very thin before she died, or he thinks he'll lose you if you get too healthy and fit," says Jonathan Sandberg, PhD, associate professor and chair of the department of marriage and family therapy at Syracuse University in Syracuse, New York.
"Most men, when they have fears and concerns, don't express it in the most helpful way," he adds. "The helpful way is for him to be vulnerable. But [men aren't taught] to get in touch with their feelings and express them, so he gets sarcastic or nasty or rude."
What to say: To approach this subject with your boyfriend, Sandberg suggests saying to him: "It seems that something about me being slim is concerning you [or frightening to you or upsetting to you]. I'd just like to know why. Because for me, [my weight loss] is a good and healthy thing, but for you it doesn't seem to be."
THE IGNORED
"My husband of 13 years complains that my training takes away from his time with me. I've tried waking up early so I can train while he sleeps, but then he complains about my nightly preparations. I want to start competing, but that means more time training. How can I strike a balance between what I want and his needs?"
Why they do it: He may think that you're training so you can get away from him. "If your training is something new you've added to your life since the marriage, then it makes sense that you are having this issue," Brady-Rogers says.
What to say: "I think this is a matter of the wife explaining to the husband what she is gaining from this," says Pedersen. "Then, by her saying: 'I want to carve out time with you,' he feels reassured that it isn't about getting away from him. It's really about her wanting to do something that makes her feel good so she can be happy in general and also in this relationship."
Sandberg advises picking something from his life that he does for himself; maybe he's a woodworker. You can liken your love of exercise to his hobby by saying something like: "Woodworking is important to you. It makes you feel good about yourself, and I support you in that. So when I do healthy things for myself that make me a better person, I'd like you to be excited for me. I need you to support me in something that's important to me."
THE NAGGER
In the past year you've started working out and eating more healthfully. After being overweight for most of your adult life, you've lost almost 20 pounds and are at a healthy weight. But your mom keeps telling you that you're too thin and accuses you of having an eating disorder. How can you win?
Why they do it: "Change is usually the most difficult on friends and family," says Cheryl Anderson, PhD, assistant professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. And since she's your mother, she's used to seeing you plumper and to her, that possibly means healthier.What to say: "Respond to your mother from an adult position," Pedersen says. She suggests reassuring your mother by saying something along the lines of: "You know that I've been to my doctor," or "I've spoken to my nutritionist [or my trainer], and my weight and eating habits are healthy." After that, state what you need from her. "I really am working hard. I'm feeling great, and it would be nice to have your support. Is there anything I can do to help you give me that?"
If that still doesn't work, set certain boundaries. Tell your mother that when you see her, certain topics are off-limits, such as food, eating habits, weight and your body. Be clear when you tell her, "Until we can communicate about this so it feels good to me, I don't want to discuss those topics."
Ultimately, those who are unsupportive of your fitness efforts may not be attacking you but trying to deal with their own issues. You can lessen their impact on your life by taking the time to understand them better.Hers
Continue reading more feature articles!
